what you live with and what you’ll do without

I guess I fear judgement in one way even though in other ways, I’m not bothered by it. So much of my childhood was spent trying to mentally escape traumas that the one thing I had to keep me sane is the one thing I don’t want to be told I’m not good at. In the end, it doesn’t really matter if I’m shut down and I know this but still, it holds me back because it’s the one thing I’m not willing to give up that is still mine.

i’d like to think i’m the mess you’d wear with pride

there are times when i get the best of myself. i look back on the things i should have done, the other things i shouldn’t have done and i break. most times it’s in silence, away from everyone else… a place i spend a few moments in just to get the negativity i carry within me, out. there are no do-overs. there’s no un-doing what’s been done. we just have to move forward, learn from the past and try to make better choices in the future. lucky for me, i have the love of my life to see me through… despite it all.

time

The foundation has been planted, now it’s just a wait to see if the seeds can master the task of growing. It was sad to find that the two I left for the little one were upturned and needed further attention. Hopefully, adequate care is being given when needed and the timing is right. Watching investments grow and morph into more beautiful things is always the best pay off in the end.

stay

It is in the times where a pattern of grief is on repeat and taking a breath is in short supply. Each answer leads to another question that doesn’t have an answer. Is it so hard to believe that someone doesn’t require your time; especially when you find that you have had your fill of theirs in the first place?

Time.

So much is spent wasting itself, waiting for hours to pass to be done with it once and for all.

Give it time.

Sure.

Isn’t “give it time” time still spent wasted on more giving?

i’m in here, can anybody see me?

The way we affect and are affected by each other is very interesting to me. I find myself in a constant dialogue with peers trying to gain insight into how they perceive something. Sometimes I’m intrigued to know how they are relating to what I’m actively saying. I can be discussing nothing of any importance and still feel the urge to inquire as to how my thoughts are being received. It often has a semblance of complete misinterpretation and I am left feeling un-interestingly introverted and often times fervently vulnerable.