maybe one day i could fly with you

When you lose someone, the hurt doesn’t leave, it just changes.
The places you’d go before together seem empty.
The words you last said seem trivial.
The distance apart seems greater each day.
Like the memories are fading.
It’s scary and sad. And then it hurts because you feel yourself forgetting.
So the pain doesn’t leave, it just changes. It’s always there.

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echos in rain drifting in waves

I used to take comfort in seeing you every now and then. You made it possible for my flowers to bloom and would wash away the grime of the day. You’d offer a gentle sound as a backdrop to life. But now, you’ve taken so much away, you constantly threaten us and you continue to make me uneasy. How ironic that we need you to live but at the same time despise you for being here.

you ran away again

I had all these suggestions and ideas about what we should be doing to make things right. It felt like even though I didn’t have all of the answers, I had at least this one. The one that could make all the difference in the outcome. I preached and whined about how she’s going to grow to resent everyone around her who wasn’t taking the time to at least try and now I have a realization that perhaps, maybe, I’m the one who’s being resented because I stepped in too much, I tried too hard, I forced myself into a situation that didn’t require my involvement. Maybe it’s just a phase; maybe things will get better. Maybe she’ll one day seem to need me again.

i care but i’m restless, i’m here but i’m really gone

I need to get back into a routine but since the house flooded (August 12- ha, what was that I was saying the day before?), it’s been really hard to get motivated to do anything productive until we know which direction we are headed in with our home. I do a little here and there; walking Penny some days, putting on a workout DVD on others. I need to wash my car, (the Mazda 3 that had to replace the flooded Mazda 6) and I intended to do that this past weekend but Jossy came over and we found other things to do to occupy our time. Maybe I can figure it out soon, I know I need to, my brain is a bag of cats lately. I need some inner peace and finding it pretty soon would be great.

there’s a white flag waving where my heart is on the ground

Maybe it’s that I’m waiting for– the fallout.  I mean, you can’t go through life expecting that karma won’t get you in the end.  I guess that’s my fear after all this time, karma. Who’s to say that I’m exempt?  I think that’s it. I am on edge all of the time because I am in constant fear of getting what’s coming to me.