in looking back, i find so much frustration for how far i am from my goals. i see where i had the drive, the time and the will-power to put myself first. the downside of it being that i lose the time, the drive and the will-power for much else, which isn’t fair or what i want in the end. so what i’ve decided is that i need to find at least one thing that worked; something attainable; something i can stick to when all else fails. and so upon great consideration, that one thing is to just try for something each day. it doesn’t have to be much, it just has to be positive, inspiring & beneficial to my overall well-being. in the end, i can’t go wrong with that.
If only you could raise the bar for yourself instead of living behind it. I see your potential. I wish you could too. All that once was, now clings in shadows. Words circle around in endless pools of mistakes and regrets deep within the shallows. Still, we are so close and yet so very far.
I had a moment.
I had no recollection that you weren’t really here.
I saw your smile. The one I haven’t seen in years.
You were my moment.
You were there to comfort me when I didn’t even realize I needed it.
There was no sadness.
There were no scars of the past.
We were together and we were happy.
It felt like our lives were just beginning.
It felt like peace. It felt like you.
I miss you, Daddy.
When you lose someone, the hurt doesn’t leave, it just changes.
The places you’d go before together seem empty.
The words you last said seem trivial.
The distance apart seems greater each day.
Like the memories are fading.
It’s scary and sad. And then it hurts because you feel yourself forgetting.
So the pain doesn’t leave, it just changes. It’s always there.
I used to take comfort in seeing you every now and then. You made it possible for my flowers to bloom and would wash away the grime of the day. You’d offer a gentle sound as a backdrop to life. But now, you’ve taken so much away, you constantly threaten us and you continue to make me uneasy. How ironic that we need you to live but at the same time despise you for being here.
I had all these suggestions and ideas about what we should be doing to make things right. It felt like even though I didn’t have all of the answers, I had at least this one. The one that could make all the difference in the outcome. I preached and whined about how she’s going to grow to resent everyone around her who wasn’t taking the time to at least try and now I have a realization that perhaps, maybe, I’m the one who’s being resented because I stepped in too much, I tried too hard, I forced myself into a situation that didn’t require my involvement. Maybe it’s just a phase; maybe things will get better. Maybe she’ll one day seem to need me again.
I started using my lunch breaks to hit the gym. So far, things are going well. It frees up my day in the evenings so I can focus on the hubby and the puppy. Yay! Ps. Hey, Mom, come back! :D